Today my friend told me she thinks I treat her like shit.  I got really upset, but I started to think about it, & I realized the reason I got so upset was because she was right.  It’s not just her.  It’s everyone.  I treat everyone like shit.

She brought up how I pushed her out of my life a few months ago.  How I never start talking to her first.  No bbm conversations, no facebook conversations.  Nothing.  And if she just randomly stops talking to me, I won’t talk to her.  And I won’t confront her about it.  I’ll just keep living my life and if she decides to never speak to me again, I won’t either.

I know it’s wrong.  But that’s the kind of person I am.  I don’t chase after people.  I sit on my ass, and I cry about it.  I try not to get attached to people, but I fail miserably.  I bet everybody means more to me then I do to them.  I just don’t show it.  I don’t like people knowing how fragile I am.  I don’t want people to know that I let them get to me.

But the truth is, everybody gets to me.  What I want in my relationships don’t matter.  I let them decide for themselves.  Because I want to make sure that everybody who’s in my life is there because they want to be.  Not just because I want them to be.

And I doubt I’m going to change.  I act this way with everyone because I don’t like letting people in.  I build up a wall to protect myself form getting hurt.  Because I have so many expectations.  Especially for the people I let in.  And then I push the people I care most about out of my life to see if they care enough to fight back and stay.  So far, a few have walked out of my life, but one was recent, and it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with.  And technically he didn’t walk out, I pushed him out of my life again, for the second time.  But that was for different reasons.  And he isn’t coming back this time.  It’s been 2 weeks, and if anything, it’s getting harder for me.  I’m not good at letting people go.

I dread letting people go.  Because I don’t let go.  I hold on.  Even when the other person doesn’t miss me or care for me.  I hold onto nothing.  And that’s why I always end up getting hurt.  That’s why I build my walls.  To protect myself.

So if I let you in, you’ve got to be pretty damn special to me.  And I can tell you for a fact that you mean a lot more to me than I show.  I pretend I don’t care.  I pretend I’m independent.  Sometimes I try to convince myself that I can be alone.  That I don’t need anybody.  

But everyone needs somebody.